This feels like a long journey, yet it’s just the beginning.

I barely can feel anything. The reality hasn’t slapped me with the fact that everything is going to be over by next week. All my high school life. Actually, the  whole 12 year of being in the safe place surrounded with the people you love, being in the comfort zone, singing happily or even crying desperately in your own bedroom. It will over, soon. I might not sleep in this room in the next 4 months, anymore – in the entire life. I should start my own life, have a job for my own needs, have a family on my own. What if I fail ? What if I found no job ? What if I marry the wrong person ?

These thoughts kept running through my mind. It wasn’t before, but every time I sat down and be between the silence I can hear this voices echoing inside of me. The fear of falling in the wrong place, in the kind of life that is not Who I Am.. As I slowly watched the ending of the series I’d grown up with, the more I am aware of this chapter in my life that will be over too.. soon.. Kids in GLEE now finally have graduated and move to their college live (just like I do, as usual), then I just watched the last episode of How I Met Your Mother and I was wet by tears it was sooo good yet so sad because in that 40 minutes, I learned that somehow.. Things will never stay the same, friendship won’t last, love will fly away, the perfect life can also be broken in the end.. But I do learn that somehow, when you stick with the one you love things are going to be fine and you cannot deny the magic and unpredictable ways of life and ways of God surprises us.

I was even more scared than before now. Things are going to change dramastically. Even the prom was announced today.. It is the very end of everything, I was reminded by how long my love journey was.. Finding my perfect prince charming, having to enjoy the perfect 3 months with him, having such a faith that is sooo much stronger than I’ve ever had my whole life – so far – it was amazing. Then we had a chat with the group I grew up with, LUMEN CHOIR with kak Eva as our greatest mentor in the entire world. It was like a realization, this is the end, this is our last effort and love to share among the school. No more left. Now, it’s how you want to leave your legacy behind. You wanna leave in good or bad. That’s all the choice.

Yet anyway, the point is now I am extremely terrified. And overwhelmed. It has been such a long time since the last time I reflect the journey of life. What I discovered, it is scary. But anyway, I gotta embrace it and enjoy it… No time for sadness when all the happiness is available to be chosen.

Be prepared for and endless wave of transformation.

Stay Away.

As I go through the day, I now understand that I actually possess a really strong self-defense towards everything in life. Everyone who comes close to me I push them away. But on the other hand, I’ve been always craving for someone to talk to. Someone who I really want to share every detail of my life with. Someone who’s willing to be there no matter how hard. 

As I get more deeper, I finally also aware now - asking is all I do, but i haven’t reach a capability of doing what I want to other people. I haven’t been a nice person ever since God knows when, I mean like the real genuine nice. An act of kindness that comes from within just because I feel sincere, not because of the surrounding told me to. I do get tons of love and attention which I usually adore but on behalf of my own benefits. There’s even too much “I” in this page. It’s not suppose to be that way..

I should care about other people too, in the right way. And I shouldn’t push people away anymore, even and especially when I’m unaware of it. i am once again soooo twisted right this moment. 

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO ? it comes naturally….. :(

I am incredibly blessed.

So, yeah I was going to write here, but the battery was low blalala and somehow I end up here. 

Today, I had my vow to God that I’l be loyal to him no matter what until the end. I just want to say, I am ready to go for it with all my heart. And I do feel sooo blessed today. Today is a realization of how lucky I am to born in an incredible loving family, and I don’t want to get far away from them.. arghh this is kinda frustrating. I love them soo much, but I know God wants me to trust him so therefore I do believe in his plan. It is the best no matter how.

I’m kinda twisted right now, because I feel too excited but anyway, the point is : BRAND NEW ME, because it’s not me but God works within me… (: 

Overloaded!

Goshhhhh I am done of it. I have been studying for like a century, and I haven’t even reached half of it….. Seriouslyy!! Why can’t it be like glee, where I can sing and have such a dramatic but fun life all way through ? They seem not to bother about school lesson at all! Congrats dear movies…

When will this be donee ???? Refreshment pleaseeee

please.

Okay, after struggling with this feeling for a long time - i should write this down.

Exhausted. That’s the precise word to describe what I feel now. I utterly have no idea what to do now. I just know I do need help, encouragement, and massive team work also guidance. Please anyone please. HELP ME.

I am so tired of sacrificing my time, energy, brain, heart and soul to this project, but it seems like only few people actually care about this. I am so thankful for those people, but still.. They’re doing great in their subject, one of many subject. What about the other ? Why are they standing still without any willingness to move and work what they have taken responsibility of ?

What is the actual purpose for this event ? To raise money ? To mark our legacy in the school ? For prestige ? What ? Can anyone please help me to answer this particular question ? Furthermore, who actually will get the benefit from this project ? IT’S YOU !! all the 12 graders !! SO WHAT WRONG WITH PUTTING SOME EFFORT FOR YOUR OWN ADVANTAGE ?? All this sacrifices we did is for you, so you can pay less money for the annual book, for your prom, and also so you won’t be feel embarrassed for having such a chaotic force. See ? Still mad ?

Let’s make it really simple. I am so sorry for being selfish this time, but I learn nor how to prioritize. So, wanna make this ? WE CAN ! but every single one of you gotta work your butt off so this whole thing will work. I admit it was my fault as well not being a good coordinator. But please I need you guys to work and support what we, the leaders, do. I will try to manage things more, and to be more clear and assertive in every way, but I need you to trust me and do what I ask. I will trust you guys again too. I know we can. Our generation is full of people with ability but hasn’t got enough encouragement to show it off. So please, we are strong enough and we are good enough, it’s the matter of our mindset and believe wheter this will go or not.

On the other hand, if no one bother to work everything out, let’s get it done here. Create something new and simple or do nothing. Just pay more money for your book and prom that you ask from your parents because you’re a ‘parent money spender’ and not mature enough to give your own effort for your own need. Wishing you a good college live then. Hope you’ll survive. But also I’d like to say thank you so now I can pour my energy to people who suffer from disaster, to those who worth and need more.

Last but not least, to be honest up to this point, my excitement and passion for this project is like 20/100. Not good I know. I can only pray and wish to God that he’ll pour his love and spirit on me so that I can have faith again to believe that this will work. This project will make a statement that we are good enough and give a harshly amazing fight back in the end after all the words coming towards us. 

FAITH AND HARD WORK WILL LEAD YOU EVERYWHERE-FAR.

face slap.

Just moments after me giving up thingy, God gave me a reminder through my morning reflection. It said as a child of God I shall not give up on everything because I have God who’s greater than any other obstacles. Giving up also means I’m spreading out negative energy to other people, which I hated the most. It felt like a slap in the face. What have I done ?

But being realistic, things are still not going the way we wanted. Unfortunately, thing hasn’t changed much since the ‘anger issue’ thingy occurred.  Have I told you about me standing up in front of the whole 12 graders, raging out my anger towards them due to the ‘talk only no action’ and careless human being that most of them are ? So yeah, call me the angry girl.

Anyway, I just tried to speak what most of them are feeling deep inside, but in the wrong way. The world is a bad place not because of the mean people living inside, it’s because the lack of movement and action from the good people. At least I’ve tried. I can only hope, and have faith, pray and just do my best that hopefully, eventually God will open the doors and their hearts and mine too so together we can create this big great thing. AMEN.

It is not the end until I quit (part I)

Since I was a little girl, I have this believe of the world being a beautiful place to live. But I wasn’t completely right.

As I grew up, I learn that people are not as nice as I thought they would be. Things will not go as well as they were planned. More people doesn’t give any attention to things that is not related to their life. 

As the day pass by, more people just don’t care. 

I used to think that it is my life vision, try to change the world. But then again, I realize I am wrong. I have no right to force people to do what I want, I have no power to change their way of think or feel. If they choose not to care, and just waste their life, no matter how much I try it is still their decision and I have no right to judge them. And it shouldn’t bother me. 

But it comes to an explanation, that I shouldn’t try to change the world. What I should try is, “Change ME”.

Another long week.

I’ve known from the start these couple of months will be filled with tons of exams. And it does. Next week is going to be super hectic and I probably won’t have any time to write so here I am. I actually just finished studying history anyway, LOL.

Yup, it was valentine the day before yesterday. I have no boyfriend, nor any lovers this year, after 5 years of always having one. To be honest, I never thought I would feel lucky being this way. Somehow, I value friendship more than love, and it feels awesome! Gosh this is what I’ve been missing all this long. This valentine, I actually help other boys to make their girls be happy and I feel good about that, of course a little envy but somehow I feel glad too! and spending the day watching movies with my pals is a great way to spend the valentine’s day. I believe next time I would have someone to cuddle with on val’s day, but I wouldn’t complain if I have to spend another 14th of feb with my friend and family only, it is fun!

Anyway, other thing is the charity night event which has been hanging in my head since last year. I was kinda terrified because it’s only 3 months before the day and there has been only like 5% progress overall, which is horrifying, We’re totally unprepared and less people care about this. I can only hope the meeting tomorrow will work as it was planned and somehow people wil pour their hearts out to this project.

Last, of course the test… I am just wishing that it will go well, and somehow I can manage my self into focus on studying, just for these couple days. I do feel totally unprepared for this. Gotta work hard and focus on this. Also, I hope I won’t be far away from God during the week, because I don’t want my ‘world’ life ruin my relationship with him. It’s the most important.

God please help me to be with you always through out the week. I love you and you only and I wanna be with you so baaadddd… Help me count your blessing one by one every step of the way.

Hence, WISH ME LUCK! CHAO

obstacles..

The past few day has been amazing. I felt God’s grace shadowing me every step of the way. Well today, it was a rocky road. Self-control that I had today was less than before. I fall a couple step behind. No genuine happiness, kinda empty.

Is it my fault or is it just the way it is ? The way of how God tries to test us ?

But anyway, despite all those negativity, I do still feel God’s presence and kindness through out the day. As I said, I am going to count his blessing one by one every single day. So this is for today :

1. There was a thing line between me being late or not and thankfully, I survived!

2. All the exam went pretty well even though I wasn’t prepared at all from home. God helped me concentrate on both studying and doing the exam.

3. I still got my lovely friend whom somehow always make me at least smile. Soooo lucky to have them !

4. The vocal examination thing is in progress ! huge one ! still hoping I’ll be able to finish this by today.. Also thank you for the dearest alumni/my teacher’s right hand whom kindly do probably more work than I do, thanks to his talent ! HALELUYA

5. The photo session went well, and I got home safely and on time ! and now, I’ve got spare to time relax a little bit … Thank God

That’s just a few ! there’s plenty more ! He is so amazingg. Thank you dear Lord Jesus (:

In addition, finally both OSIS work also MALDAN are both progressing and started to have more improvements than the last stagnant place. This is also a great relieve of me…

So this is for today, remember vyy remember : ME AND GOD AGAINST THE WORLD!