One hell of scary word : FUTURE

It has been a while.

Well, everything has over now; as in END. Every single highschool stuff, graduation and prom.. everything. I am officially not a highschool student anymore. I am nobody.

Seriously, I haven’t got into any university. I am having this test in like 4 days, studied a bit but every single time i try to… it suckk.. Like i keep getting different answers than the real one, but I am pretty sure that mine is right. I have no idea why i have to have the same idea as the question maker has. So that I can pretend to be like other people, with the same kind of thoughts ? Really ? I thought this country wanted to develop. How on earth can you guys develop if every single person has the same mindset as 20 years ago. C’mon dudeeee, time to grow.

I feel kinda twisted, I am not like a regular person. To be honest, there is some part of that resist going to college. I feel like I’m walking on another 1 billion other people’s path. I actually want to explore the world, see how it goes out there, in the wild or do much stuffs, before being drawn into the circle of city people life, you know…going to college, getting some job that bores you to death, being married having child grow old and die… without any twist in life….. Do you know what I actually want ?

1. Do dance-acting-sing course

2. Having a part time job at local radio station or make movies

3. Save the wild with WWF and GREENPEACE

4. Know as much people as I can and conquer my fear

5. Prepare my self to the real UNI life out there 

I don’t know, just explore the world. Be out of the box. I feel bad tho, my dad ask me no matter what I need to go to university. They have paid a lot for this test alone, and I don’t want to let them down. I do want to study psychology, but I also want to explore the world. Do something outrageous, out of the box. I want my Life to be an Adventure.

Should I live up with people’s expectation or should I go with this crazy mind I have and follow my guts ?

Gatau lagi mau nulis apa.

Ternyata gini ya rasanya jadi kak eva (meskipun belom seberapa)

Ketika lo bekerja keras, buat orang-orang yang bahkan ga peduli tapi yg didapetin omelan, hinaan. Mungkin memang cara ngomong, mood, pembawaan sering salah, tapi mohon maklum lah. Gue juga anak SMA. Gue tau gue banyak salah, tapi seenggaknya masih layak kan buat tau lo siapa ? Gasuka punya semacam musuh, kalo mau ayok damai.. 

Jujur aja sakit, sakiiitt banget dan gue berusaha inget” di mana letak kesalahan gue pingin rasanya dibantuin supaya tau dan lain kali ga ulang lagi.

Kadang jujur aja cape juga berkorban.. Gue juga mau jalan-jalan ke luar kota sama temen-temen, ato persiapin diri buat Kuliah gue yang sampe sekarang masih ngegantung. Ikut banyak les, abisin waktu sama keluarga. Sampe anjing gue mandi 2 minggu sekali karena ga ada waktu lagi buat mandiin dia, setiap malem sampe rumah udah gelap. Udah ga ada tenaga buat belajar, sampe akhirnya tidur. 

Ini sangat terdengar egois memang, dan gue tau ini salah.

Dear God, I will try not to think about myself. But it’s hard, reallyy hard.. I have no clue, no power, no tears left. I can only surrender it all to you God, only You

KEEP FIGHTING!

Well hello, it has been a long time, huh ? Well, I’m officially off duty being a student because I have finished every single academic exams, finally!!

I am so happy and relieve, and I’ve been spending these couple of days doing nothing, some kind of redemption of studying much. But well, now there’s something way bigger and harder to face, MALAM DANA…

aaaaa I’m freaking out. To be honest, accomplishing this event would be impossible. We are so far from being well-prepared. Both from the drama, as well as the budget and all stuffs. It’s quite impossible, and frankly, there are lots of time where I feel I’m just gonna give up. Because there’s no way it’ll work, and working with and for these people sometimes drive me crazy.

But well, God says never giving up is a part of spiritual growth. By keep fighting, having faith and hope, makes my relationship be closer to God. Probably, if I am thinking by the way human would think, doing this project is just a waste of time and energy. That’s not what God’s daughter would do. She will think the way her Dad thinks, which means sometimes doing things that seems silly for most people, but with faith and determination, you keep doing that. Because you know, that is your place. God has put you there, there’s a part you should work on in the name of God. You’re just a tool Vilory, if God says you should stay and work your ass off there - you should !

Alright then, I believe this will work. Anything will do if God says so. He will, just have faith. Because if he won’t, why he put me here ? Why he put lots of his sons and daughters to work on this project ? HE HAS PLANS. And his plans always surprises you, and in the end everything will be great. Just go ahead and do your best, show God’s character within you. LOVE especially. If everything is not okay, then it’s not the end - right ? (:

This feels like a long journey, yet it’s just the beginning.

I barely can feel anything. The reality hasn’t slapped me with the fact that everything is going to be over by next week. All my high school life. Actually, the  whole 12 year of being in the safe place surrounded with the people you love, being in the comfort zone, singing happily or even crying desperately in your own bedroom. It will over, soon. I might not sleep in this room in the next 4 months, anymore – in the entire life. I should start my own life, have a job for my own needs, have a family on my own. What if I fail ? What if I found no job ? What if I marry the wrong person ?

These thoughts kept running through my mind. It wasn’t before, but every time I sat down and be between the silence I can hear this voices echoing inside of me. The fear of falling in the wrong place, in the kind of life that is not Who I Am.. As I slowly watched the ending of the series I’d grown up with, the more I am aware of this chapter in my life that will be over too.. soon.. Kids in GLEE now finally have graduated and move to their college live (just like I do, as usual), then I just watched the last episode of How I Met Your Mother and I was wet by tears it was sooo good yet so sad because in that 40 minutes, I learned that somehow.. Things will never stay the same, friendship won’t last, love will fly away, the perfect life can also be broken in the end.. But I do learn that somehow, when you stick with the one you love things are going to be fine and you cannot deny the magic and unpredictable ways of life and ways of God surprises us.

I was even more scared than before now. Things are going to change dramastically. Even the prom was announced today.. It is the very end of everything, I was reminded by how long my love journey was.. Finding my perfect prince charming, having to enjoy the perfect 3 months with him, having such a faith that is sooo much stronger than I’ve ever had my whole life – so far – it was amazing. Then we had a chat with the group I grew up with, LUMEN CHOIR with kak Eva as our greatest mentor in the entire world. It was like a realization, this is the end, this is our last effort and love to share among the school. No more left. Now, it’s how you want to leave your legacy behind. You wanna leave in good or bad. That’s all the choice.

Yet anyway, the point is now I am extremely terrified. And overwhelmed. It has been such a long time since the last time I reflect the journey of life. What I discovered, it is scary. But anyway, I gotta embrace it and enjoy it… No time for sadness when all the happiness is available to be chosen.

Be prepared for and endless wave of transformation.

Stay Away.

As I go through the day, I now understand that I actually possess a really strong self-defense towards everything in life. Everyone who comes close to me I push them away. But on the other hand, I’ve been always craving for someone to talk to. Someone who I really want to share every detail of my life with. Someone who’s willing to be there no matter how hard. 

As I get more deeper, I finally also aware now - asking is all I do, but i haven’t reach a capability of doing what I want to other people. I haven’t been a nice person ever since God knows when, I mean like the real genuine nice. An act of kindness that comes from within just because I feel sincere, not because of the surrounding told me to. I do get tons of love and attention which I usually adore but on behalf of my own benefits. There’s even too much “I” in this page. It’s not suppose to be that way..

I should care about other people too, in the right way. And I shouldn’t push people away anymore, even and especially when I’m unaware of it. i am once again soooo twisted right this moment. 

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO ? it comes naturally….. :(

I am incredibly blessed.

So, yeah I was going to write here, but the battery was low blalala and somehow I end up here. 

Today, I had my vow to God that I’l be loyal to him no matter what until the end. I just want to say, I am ready to go for it with all my heart. And I do feel sooo blessed today. Today is a realization of how lucky I am to born in an incredible loving family, and I don’t want to get far away from them.. arghh this is kinda frustrating. I love them soo much, but I know God wants me to trust him so therefore I do believe in his plan. It is the best no matter how.

I’m kinda twisted right now, because I feel too excited but anyway, the point is : BRAND NEW ME, because it’s not me but God works within me… (: 

Overloaded!

Goshhhhh I am done of it. I have been studying for like a century, and I haven’t even reached half of it….. Seriouslyy!! Why can’t it be like glee, where I can sing and have such a dramatic but fun life all way through ? They seem not to bother about school lesson at all! Congrats dear movies…

When will this be donee ???? Refreshment pleaseeee

please.

Okay, after struggling with this feeling for a long time - i should write this down.

Exhausted. That’s the precise word to describe what I feel now. I utterly have no idea what to do now. I just know I do need help, encouragement, and massive team work also guidance. Please anyone please. HELP ME.

I am so tired of sacrificing my time, energy, brain, heart and soul to this project, but it seems like only few people actually care about this. I am so thankful for those people, but still.. They’re doing great in their subject, one of many subject. What about the other ? Why are they standing still without any willingness to move and work what they have taken responsibility of ?

What is the actual purpose for this event ? To raise money ? To mark our legacy in the school ? For prestige ? What ? Can anyone please help me to answer this particular question ? Furthermore, who actually will get the benefit from this project ? IT’S YOU !! all the 12 graders !! SO WHAT WRONG WITH PUTTING SOME EFFORT FOR YOUR OWN ADVANTAGE ?? All this sacrifices we did is for you, so you can pay less money for the annual book, for your prom, and also so you won’t be feel embarrassed for having such a chaotic force. See ? Still mad ?

Let’s make it really simple. I am so sorry for being selfish this time, but I learn nor how to prioritize. So, wanna make this ? WE CAN ! but every single one of you gotta work your butt off so this whole thing will work. I admit it was my fault as well not being a good coordinator. But please I need you guys to work and support what we, the leaders, do. I will try to manage things more, and to be more clear and assertive in every way, but I need you to trust me and do what I ask. I will trust you guys again too. I know we can. Our generation is full of people with ability but hasn’t got enough encouragement to show it off. So please, we are strong enough and we are good enough, it’s the matter of our mindset and believe wheter this will go or not.

On the other hand, if no one bother to work everything out, let’s get it done here. Create something new and simple or do nothing. Just pay more money for your book and prom that you ask from your parents because you’re a ‘parent money spender’ and not mature enough to give your own effort for your own need. Wishing you a good college live then. Hope you’ll survive. But also I’d like to say thank you so now I can pour my energy to people who suffer from disaster, to those who worth and need more.

Last but not least, to be honest up to this point, my excitement and passion for this project is like 20/100. Not good I know. I can only pray and wish to God that he’ll pour his love and spirit on me so that I can have faith again to believe that this will work. This project will make a statement that we are good enough and give a harshly amazing fight back in the end after all the words coming towards us. 

FAITH AND HARD WORK WILL LEAD YOU EVERYWHERE-FAR.